


I am Tired, But I am Yours

by mimiwriteswords



Series: Needle & Thread [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Older Man/Younger Woman, Part 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22009774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimiwriteswords/pseuds/mimiwriteswords
Summary: “It's like I’m stuck in a time loop of bad decisions and men who turn out to be monsters.”
Relationships: Caitlin Snow/Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells
Series: Needle & Thread [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621186
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	I am Tired, But I am Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Here is Part 2. I recommend reading "The Things We Hide" first. The title is taken from Brandi Carlisle's "Party of One". I listened to that song on a loop while I wrote this (I am quite partial to the version with Sam Smith). This fic deals with heavy emotions and situations, including PTSD, therefore it might not be for everyone. It is set in Season 2 after Caitlin has returned from being kidnapped by Jay. 
> 
> J, thank you for rekindling my love for writing. Consider this a late Christmas present.

Caitlin jolted up from the bed, her heart pounding and a scream stuck in her throat. It isn’t until she hears the sounds of people scrambling outside the room that she realizes she had screamed out loud. She tries to take in deep breaths hoping her heart beat settles. It’s in vain, her breathing is still shallow. She can feel her skin crawling and her clothes seem stifling. She sits up, leaning her back against the headboard and draws her knees up to her chest. She’s done this before. She knows what she needs to do until it passes. 

And now she waits.

The door opens and she can vaguely make out a figure making their way around the room. She knows who it is and needs no verbal confirmation. She is, after all, sitting in his bed. He stops by the foot of the bed and she appreciates that he keeps his distance. She doesn’t want to be held or touched ...at least not right now.

“Snow.” She knows by now that this is how he breaks the silence. He has never been one for greetings.

“I’m awake.” 

“We heard you.” He has the good grace not to mention what he actually heard. “You’re… you're safe. He can’t get to you.” 

His words offer no comfort but she hums in agreement. She watches him come a little closer. He’s peering down at her.

“I’m ok, Harry.” Her voice is hoarse and her throat stings a little. She wonders how long she had been screaming.

“Will you get some water for Dr. Snow, Jess?” 

She realizes for the first time that there is another figure in the room, standing by the door. She watches Jesse walk away. 

“Can I turn on the light?” He asks.

“Sure.”

She feels his arm stretch out towards the lamp by the bed. His fingers graze her hair just barely as he reaches past her. She hears the switch click and watches as the golden light floods the room. He’s dressed in his usual attire, his hair is in disarray- she knows he has been running his hand through it as he always does when he is agitated- and he is not wearing his glasses. His eyes are a bright blue as they take her in. Gosh, she must be a sight, she thinks, if she looks anything like how she feels.

“You slept for almost three hours.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

She knows what he really means. She slept for almost three hours before waking up screaming.

“A new record.” She says, lightly. She doesn’t actually feel light, quite the opposite really, but it’s worth saying it because she can see him fighting the smallest of smiles.

“I can give you something, if you would like to go back to sleep.” He said, his face back to his usual expression.

She wants to ask him to give her something that will stop her heart from aching. Something that will help her forget the past few weeks. Something that will put her to sleep in this reality and wake her up in another one, where she hasn’t been so trusting only to have her heart ripped apart at the seams. 

She sighs knowing that there is no drug, no serum, and no pill that will help her

“No, I don’t want to take anything. I need to be accessible in case I’m needed.”

“Stop…” He said, his voice low and rough. He shakes his head at her and she wonders briefly if this is the look he gives his daughter when he is chastising her. “Stop worrying about everybody else and think about yourself for a minute. We can survive a few hours without you.”

She knows he is saying exactly what she would be if the roles were reversed, even if his bedside manner leaves much to be desired. Perhaps it is his way of masking his emotions. It's been months since he has been on this Earth and she still has moments when she cannot quite figure him out. 

“I don’t like to take sedatives. I didn’t take them then and I will not take them now.” She’s not even sure what she means by ‘then’- it could be anything at this point.

He sighs and sits down on the bed, facing her. He keeps a good amount of distance between them. His attempt at propriety is comical really, she thinks, considering that they are pretty much sharing the bed. His shoulders sag and he lets his head hang, no doubt trying to relieve the tension he has been carrying. He runs a hand through his hair and looks back up at her. She can tell by the resigned look on his face that she has won this round.

Jesse walks in, glass of water in hand.

“Here you go.”

Caitlin chugs the drink, the cool water burning its way down her throat. Jesse looks at her, her gaze cool and assessing, not unlike her father. It must be odd for her, Caitlin thinks, to see a woman where she is used to seeing her father lie down. 

“I should go.” Caitlin finds herself saying.

“Go where?” He asks, not missing a beat.

“Just home. I haven’t been for a few days.” She’s unwraps her arms from around her legs. “Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt either.”

Harry and Jesse look at her as if she’s grown an additional head. They have exactly the same expression on their faces and she wishes she could take a photograph. 

He stands up with her. “ Are you sure?”

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” She looks around the room for her purse. It’s next to her gloves and coat, the latter placed carefully on a chair. She doesn’t remember doing that and she is grateful to whoever put her things away so thoughtfully. She puts her right arm into the coat and feels a hand help her as she puts her left arm in. She turns around slightly to find Jesse standing right next to her, a sad and sympathetic smile gracing her lips. She’s a beautiful young girl, Caitlin notices, bright eyed and rosy cheeked.

“Thank you.” 

“Of course. See you soon?”

Caitlin nods to her and turns to Harry, hoping to thank him as well. His arms are crossed over his chest again and is taking in their interaction. He nods at her, quick and curt.

She turns around, making her way out of the room. She stops in front of Cisco’s workshop and braces herself for the inevitable argument that she will have with him about going home.

“Knock knock.” She says, in lieu of knocking. She plasterers a smile on her face, hoping she looks well and rested. His head shoots up from his computer and a smile is thrown her way. He takes her in- bundled in her coat and purse in hand- and leans back in his chair, an unimpressed look taking over his face.

“Nuh uh. Ain’t gonna happen, Caitlin.”

“Cisco...hear me out!”

***

She ends up staying at S.T.A.R Labs. 

Cisco- and Barry- insist vehemently that she stay and she gives in after an unnecessarily long and intense argument. He thought he might need to intervene at some point but thankfully Joe stepped in. 

To say that he was worried about her would be a massive understatement. In fact, ever since their trip to Earth-2 and ever since Jay had died in front of them, he had been worried about her. He had known that he was not alone in his concern. While Cisco had been concerned that this episode of grief would turn her into Killer Frost, Harry had been more concerned about the blank look in her eyes. He had avoided talking about Jay with her altogether. Instead, he spoke to her about what they both had in common -science. They worked together on multiple projects and problems in her lab, much like they had been doing in the days prior to Jay’s death. Except now, she was always the last person to leave, often staying till the early hours of the morning. She had been chilly with everyone, which is understandable and he had hoped that would be the end of it but things went from bad to worse in a span of few days.

The discovery of Zoom’s identity seemed to have set something off in him. He felt foolish that he had not figured it out. He had been watching Zoom since his inception and the thought hadn’t even grazed his mind. What good were his multiples PhD's if couldn’t figure this out? He had been on edge and had felt even more helpless when Jesse had left. He had snapped at everyone and even remembered telling the team that Jay cared for no one, looking pointedly at Caitlin. He had watched the hurt flash across her face and had told himself that tough love never hurt anyone.

And then she had been kidnapped and tough love took on a whole new meaning. 

He had trouble sleeping for a few nights (he’s certain no one on Team Flash sleeps through the night anymore). It took him three days to convince himself it wasn’t just Jesse’s absence that had been bothering him. He also told himself, over and over, that anyone else missing from Team Flash would have sent him into a panic as well.

It's been a few days since she has returned to S.T.A.R Labs in one piece, physically at least. She had looked utterly worn out as she cried in front of the team, telling them what Jay had made her believe about Barry. She was malnourished and dehydrated according to Dr. Allen but to him she had looked broken.

She wasted no time settling back in and made her way to the lab in a matter of hours. Cisco had offered to take her home and stay with her but she refused to leave, claiming that she needed to make herself useful. He had stayed in the cortex that night (after promising Cisco and Barry that he would keep an eye on her) working on the computer and watched her, as stealthily as he could. She kept flicking her hair over her shoulder as she worked on the computer, only to tie them up haphazardly. Nearly half an hour later, she was pacing with her tablet in hand.

That was the first night he had heard her scream. 

She had passed out in the med bay, after receiving some fluids via IV earlier in the day, courtesy of Dr. Allen. She must have been down for an hour before she woke up, jolting up on the bed and her screams piercing through the building. He and Barry were the first ones to reach her. She stopped screaming when she had seen them. She was shivering uncontrollably and her eyes were wide with fear. He stopped at the foot of the bed while Barry reached past him and went over to her. 

“Cait. Hey..” She flinched when Barry said her name. Barry reached out and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. “Hey. It’s okay. You’re home.”

She inhaled, sharp and shallow, looking up at Barry with glassy eyes. Barry cupped her cheek gently. “Caitlin, it's me. Take a breath.”

She nodded. Barry looked out of his element, not knowing how to comfort someone who usually comforted him. “I’m going to get my Dad, ok? Just hold on.”

With that Barry sped off, leaving him alone with her.

Caitlin was still shaking, and her hazel eyes were wide and brimming with tears when she looked at him. He had felt uncomfortable under her tearful gaze, and had wanted to kick himself for his selfish inclination when _she_ had been the one to endure so much. The blanket had slid down to her waist. He had moved carefully, taking measured steps, with his eyes locked on her. He had reached out, taking the blanket and slowly pulled it upward until it was settled on her shoulders. That had been all the permission she needed before the dam broke loose and tears flooded down her face. A part of him had wanted to go running out of the room.

He had never known how to comfort a crying individual. It was different with Jesse. When she was a child, he could easily soothe her tears with a snuggle. She was even prone to many tantrums as a toddler and he had learned- eventually- how to deal with them. But as Jesse had grown older, she became more hesitant of crying in front of him. She would stare into space defiantly, her jaw clenched, almost willing the impending tears back into their ducts.

But as he had watched Caitlin cry in front of him, with small shakes and soft whimpers, he had been overwhelmed with the sudden desire to hold her. 

He had never been a tactile person and he knew the best he could offer a crying person was solitude. It's not as if he had never made any physical contact with Caitlin before. They had worked in close proximity countless times, unintentionally brushing hands or shoulders and he had never given it much thought. She’s patched him up multiple times and he’s all but forgotten what it feels like to have her small, deft fingers grazing over his bruises. Of course there was the odd time- well into a sleepless night- when he would remember their conversation from a few months ago and would feel the heat coursing through his body. He remembered being close enough to see details he has not quite forgotten -flecks of gold in her eyes and the tiniest freckles on her nose. Neither of them had mentioned that conversation again. Sometimes he wonders if it was an occurrence from another universe. 

Perhaps, neither of them knew how to deal with the weight of the words said between them.

And so he didn’t hold her that night. He tried to do better, be practical and offer her his 'room' to sleep in. She had accepted almost immediately, perhaps needing more privacy than the bed in the med bay offered. It's almost a routine now. She would announce to the team that she’s going to lay down and everyone would be happy to see her get a moment’s peace. He’s almost forgotten that she sleeps in bed occasionally until he goes to lay down himself and can smell her on his sheets. Why did she choose to sleep in his bed and not Jesse’s, he wondered as he tried desperately to fall asleep. She continues to wake up with bad dreams that she never shares with anyone when prompted. Everyone can deduce what (or who) she is dreaming about. Someone goes to check on her and eventually she makes her way into the cortex looking as if she’s been to war. They have tried in vain to get her take something to help her sleep longer and each time she refuses, much like she did when he asked her earlier today.

They always say that doctors make the worst patients.

He finds her in the breach room a few hours later. She’s not working or pacing as she has been the past few days. She’s sitting on the steps that lead down to the breach, head slightly hung. She turns around swiftly when she hears him. Relief floods her face before she wears a neutral expression again- it’s brief but he catches it. 

He notices how gaunt and worn out her face looks. His gaze travels down the rest of her as she looks away from him and he is struck by how thin she looks. She’s always been slight woman, at least as long as he has known her but she looks much smaller all of a sudden and a new layer of concern comes over him.

“What are you doing down here?” He asks.

“Honestly?” She asks, looking ahead into the shadows. “I’m thinking about Ronnie.”

She stands up, walking back and forth. He watches as she rubs the ring finger on her left hand, no doubt where her wedding ring would have rested and he feels as if he is not equipped- emotionally that is- to have this conversation. They haven’t talked about Ronnie, not since their conversation months ago.

“I thought I was moving on.” She says. “I thought Jay could be someone I could move on with. And then I thought well death is something I can deal with...again. But this whole thing has been a nightmare. He turned out to be even worse.” She’s quiet for a minute before she looks at him.

“It's like I’m stuck in a time loop of bad decisions and men who turn out to be monsters.” 

She’s not talking _just_ about Jay anymore. 

“It’s not supposed to be like this, is it?” She asks in a distant voice as if she is throwing questions out into the ether. 

“I don’t think…” She stops, turning away from him.

“You don’t think?” He prompts.

She shakes her head and when she looks back to him, he is certain he can see her demons running rampant in her eyes.

“I don’t think I can ever love like that again.”

It's as if a sword pierces his heart. He knows what she’s talking about. It’s a very specific pain that life saves for only a few. He has lived with this pain for a very long time - much longer than she has. He knows about regrets and the torture of ‘what ifs’.

He sighs. He might not know how to be comforting but he knows her pain.

“Snow, listen to me.” He makes sure his voice is measured and clear, devoid of any emotion. He might as well be giving a lecture on technology.

“I’ve won’t tell you that it gets easier. Because it doesn’t.” He says as his mind is flooded with distant images of dark nights in his lab, filled with too much scotch. “It will be the worst time of your life for the longest time.”

She’s looking at him with a curious look on her sad face- the way a student looks at their teacher. She could have easily been one of the students he has mentored over the years. He knows she’s definitely young enough to be one.

“You just have to keep going. Find the light that keeps you going.” He thinks of Jesse, her sweet smile and the soft cheek he had kissed today in the quiet of the morning, as she had slept safe and sound. He surprises himself with his next words.

“Everyone here loves you very much.” 

Perhaps he’s been spending too much time with Barry. Or perhaps exhaustion is catching up to him and he’s losing the filter between his brain and his mouth. He almost starts to elaborate, hoping eloquence will take over him when he sees her face soften and his heart aches with something he had buried away many years ago.

He wants to hold her again and he finds his feet moving of their own accord until they stop in front of her. He could reach out easily and wrap her small frame in his arms. She has been still, just watching him make his way to her. She would move if she was uncomfortable, right, he wonders.

That’s when he sees the bruise on the right side of her neck. It’s fading, most likely healing but it is a bruise nonetheless. 

She follows his gaze and steps away from him just slightly. “I got it when I was at CCPD.”

He looks at her and wants to ask her something he might not want the answer to. She must understand because she shakes her head and answers, “It’s not from him. There was furniture being thrown around.”

It’s a stark reminder of the threat that still looms over them.

“I think I’m going to get a coffee from Jitters.” She says, already walking away from him.

“Don’t go alone.” 

“I’ll be fine, Harry. What’s the worst that can happen?” She says jokingly and stops short when she sees the look of mild hurt and panic that his face must be wearing. She has the good sense to look contrite and says softly, "I'll be back soon.”

He wants to insist that someone go with her or that she not leave at all. But he’s had his fair share of disagreements with stubborn women, Caitlin included, so he just nods.

They both walk out of the breach room together and she stops when they reach just outside the door. She turns, reaches out and touches his forearm to stop him. 

He’s wearing full sleeves but he swears he can feel her fingers burning through his clothes and touching his skin.

“Thank you for what you said back there.” She says softly, nudging her head towards the empty room. Her face still looks gaunt and eyes are still full of pain, but there is a gentle smile on her face. She’s had to endure so much in such a short life, he thinks. 

Something shifts in him and he is doing it- he’s reaching out for her and pulling her to himself.

It can’t have been the most comfortable hug because she is so still and he wonders if his grip on her is much too intense and hard. She’s small and warm and her scent is just a little too familiar now. He is certain that he is not offering her any comfort and he wishes he hugged like Barry does- open armed and full of genuine love. But then he feels her turn in his arms and she’s flush against him. One of her arms makes its way around him and she runs a hand down his back so tenderly and he honestly cannot remember the last time he’s been touched like this- hesitant yet strong, bold yet shy, platonic yet...not.

They untangle themselves from each other and walk the rest of the way in silence. He can still feel the phantom touch of her fingers when he walks into the cortex.

***

  
She decides to walk to Jitters, hoping the fresh air would do her some good. She doesn’t ask anyone to join her; she’s hoping for some solitude. The air is crisp when it hits her in the face and she welcomes it. Her face feels flushed and she wonders if she’s running a fever.

Sure, a fever called Harry Wells, the voice in her head said.

She was hoping just to show her gratitude in the simplest way possible. The best she could have expected was a “You’re welcome” with a smirk thrown her way. But when he reached out to her- his eyes flashing an intense look she had seen months ago-she could have sworn that time had stopped.

Just for a minute.

She’s well aware of what lies under his clothes- she has seen him shirtless before (when he was _shot_ , her mind reminds her). She’s not surprised that he felt solid, strong, and incredibly male against her. She is not even surprised that she felt an inkling of attraction when his arms wrapped around her- one around her shoulder and the other temptingly low on her waist.

She is, however, surprised by the way her eyes immediately fell shut and how safe she felt in that moment. Perhaps, it’s because she had been kidnapped by someone she trusted. Or because she hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep for the longest time.

Or maybe because she has not felt safe in a man's arms for over two years now.

Caitlin pushes open the door to Jitters and wonders how a hug (a _hug_ ) has her so riled up. She is hit by the scent of coffee which instantly jolts her out of her thoughts. She walks over to line leading up the barista. Even Zoom cannot keep people away from caffeine, she thinks as she chuckles to herself. She bends over slightly to examine the baked goods behind the glass case with interest. She felt hungry and couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten something substantial. The blueberry scone seemed to be calling her name. 

“Caitlin, hey!”

She straightened herself and turned around to see Jesse behind her.

“Got a sugar craving?” Jesse asked her, eyebrows raised and a smirk present on her face.

“Oh… yes, I was thinking about it.” Caitlin answered, stealing another glance at the scone. A thought occurs to her and she finds herself asking, “Did your father send you after me?”

It sounded incredulous to even say it out loud. 

“What? No.” Jesse remarked, throwing Caitlin a strange look. “Why would you ask that?”

Because Jesse, your father seems to have taken up residence in my brain, she thinks.

“He had just said that I shouldn’t be out here by myself.” She said instead.

“That sounds like him.” Jesse said, rolling her eyes. 

“He’s concerned, that’s all. I appreciate it.”

“His concern can be stifling sometimes.” Jesse says quietly. There is a slight intonation of pain in her voice.

Caitlin sighs. It’s been awhile since she has thought of her parents but this conversation is transporting her to a place she doesn’t want to go to. So instead she gives in to her sugar craving.

“Would you like to split the blueberry scone with me?”

Jesse’s face lights up instantly. She nods, sharp, swift and so familiar that Caitlin can’t help but smile.

They are gathering their coffees, Caitlin taking a big gulp out of hers, when Jesse breaks the silence.

“I still have nightmares sometimes.”

Caitlin almost chokes on her coffee. She coughs and looks at Jesse, who is looking up at her cautiously. 

“About him. When I was in his lair.”

“Oh.” Caitlin whispers, not quite sure how to respond. Jesse has never confided in her. In fact, she can count the number of times they have interacted on one hand. “I didn’t know.”

“Does your father know?” Caitlin asks.

“He does. He tried his best to help. But sleeping pills and sedatives only do so much.” Jesse replies.

Caitlin nods. “Monsters are still around when you wake up.”

Jesse hums in agreement.

I just …” Jesse sighs. “I just want you to know that I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night, cold and shaking. It’s as if you’re stuck in this moment and you can’t run away from it.”

Jesse’s looking past her now, no doubt revisiting her demons. She takes a deep breath in and looks back up at Caitlin, “And then you turn the light on and you’re back. Just like that.”

Caitlin thinks back to earlier in the day when she had been sitting in a dark room until Harry had turned the light on. 

_Find the light that keeps you going._

Who would have thought that out of all the people in S.T.A.R. Labs, the Wells family would have been the ones to offer Caitlin the most comfort? There must be some truth in what both of them have said to her. 

They make their way back to S.T.A.R Labs in companionable silence. Cisco has already texted her twice about her whereabouts and she is incredibly grateful that there is this band of people who have fought for her and who continue to help her fight her demons. She knows that the road to healing is long and arduous and she’s not looking forward to this journey. But as battered and bruised as she may be, there a feeling of solace beginning to settle in her bones as well. She knows that she will still have nightmares and like she told Cisco when she returned to S.T.A.R Labs, she is truly worried that she may never be whole again. She feels the tiredness of the past few weeks etched deep into her soul, as she walks out of the elevator and into the cortex.

But maybe, she thinks as her eyes land on Harry who is mid-conversation with Barry, just maybe this tired ache might lead her home.


End file.
